Ep. 38: Self Care (But Really)

It's enough with self care, right? Agreed. Except sometimes self care comes in forms we don't see - and in ways that really help. In this episode we break down a coaching session I had with a client that mirrored my own coaching session not 24 hours later - both about the ways small moves can make a big difference for our nervous system, decision making, and overall well being.

Okay, another car recorded podcast Here we go…So I'm Stephanie Finnegan. Welcome to the I'm the Problem podcast. It's not a problem that I'm recording this in the car. So I've just decided this is how I'm going to do podcasts for a while because I'm doing a lot of driving and sitting in cars and parking and running errands. And yeah, this is kind of how this shit's going to get done.

So I had a super interesting experience where last night I coached a client on a topic. And then today I had a session with my coach and she coached me on the exact same thing. Although at the time when I came on the call, I did not realize that's where we were going to head. I heard the expression once and I've never adopted it, which is you can't read the label from inside the bottle, right? And so I think that's exactly why coaches need coaches. And I think that's exactly why anyone needs a coach. It's really hard to see who you are. It's really hard to see what you're struggling with, or it's really hard to see a solution to a challenge that you might be having. It's hard to see that clearly when it's yours.

That's what coaches do. So now that I've given my little why everyone needs a coach soapbox, what I was quoting my client on last night, this is someone who's going through a lot right now. He's in the midst of like multiple transitions in his life professionally and personally and financially, and he does a lot happening that is influx. And that is obviously, if you've ever been there, at least certainly initially a very scary place to be. And especially when it feels like the rug's been pulled out from underneath you all of a sudden. So for some people, that's like a sudden breakup or a sudden sort of disillusion of your marriage. For other people, that's like a sudden diagnosis. For other people that you suddenly lost your job when that was not your plan. or your decision. There's lots of different ways that transition can be unsettling and particularly when it is unexpected.

So that's what this client's going through. And what we ended up coaching on a lot was the fact that his nervous system is pretty shot to shit because he's been spending so much time, understandably, up in his head, trying to solve all the problems very quickly and like a real sense of panic and urgency. There is urgency there. There's no question about it. But at the end of the day, the urgency that he's feeling to come up with solutions to these challenges he's facing, that urgency is not helping him. And in fact, it's kind of sending his nervous system into this complete state of panic. And it's like, he's running around like a chicken with his head cut off, not actually moving the ball forward on anything that could help him. And the way we stumbled on this was when I asked him, like, take away all the constraints, take away all the reality that you're in. If you could have this circumstances change the where you want, what would that look like? And he was kind of like a deer in headlights when I asked that because he was like, I don't know. I don't know, I haven't even spent time thinking about what it could be. I just am trying to fix it really quickly. That's a true sign right there that you are not in a state of calm. When it's hard to even envision how things could be different, that's really a sign that your body is just freaking the fuck out.

When you're in that state, you're just not gonna be able to make good decisions. If you do, that's very lucky, but it won't be a sustainable way to do that. So we had this whole conversation and ended up landing on the idea that he needed to really, and this is the most annoying response, but he needed to really sort of start carving out some time for whether you want to call it self -care, my coach calls it nurturing a lot, I like resetting or repairing or sort of getting yourself back to neutral. It's the idea of basically getting yourself to calm the fuck down, lean in to the fact that you do have some control over some things, and the fact that if you can find a little piece of joy, a little piece of something that energizes you, a little piece of what you need in the moment, it's not indulgent, it's not selfish, it's actually gonna be ultimately the thing that gives you the energy that you need to move forward and make the changes that you want. So we started talking about what that could look like for him.

He's somebody who actually really enjoys eating and drinking healthfully, right? But it's something that he also kind of has like gotten away from in the stress in the midst of all the things he has going on. He hasn't prioritized it. So I was like, what if on the way between walking from A to Z, walking from school to work or work to school or whatever it is where you're going, stopped into the Whole Foods and grabbed a green juice. And it's a little expensive and a little indulgent and also like, good for you and you like it and you're treating yourself and you're enjoying it and you're actually then that's one small action that gets you vibrating. It gets you living as the version of you who has their shit together, who feels calm, who doesn't worry about spending a little bit of extra money on a green juice because it's not a big deal because you know you have your finances handled. So like it's not about sort of going off the rails with spending or going off the rails with anything. It's that's not what self -care is. But it's just about saying, like, what's something that I enjoy and how can I find a moment to lean into it today in the midst of everything?

It feels like dumb Instagrammy advice, and I know that. But if you've worked with me or coach with me or followed me at all, you know, like, that's not really my jam is like this this kind of like, just go get a manicure. Like, that's not my thing. But what I'm saying is, if there's something small that. you enjoy, that's going to give you a bit more energy and optimism and excitement in your day. And it gets you operating as the version of you, who you want to be as your future self, as the version of you who has their shit together, who has the things that you want, right? It puts you in, even if you're only putting yourself in that space for like 10 minutes, it gets you doing that. What that does right there, is it does two things one is it's gonna help you reset your nervous system a bit depending on what it is that you're choosing it's gonna help you calm down it's gonna help you relax it's gonna if it's something that you enjoy if it's something that is nourishing and good for you and it doesn't have to be something you consume like a drink or something to eat but whatever it is it can be a walk, it can be journaling, it can be listening to a podcast. It can be not listening to anything at all. It could be whatever it is. But just doing that is going to reset your nervous system so that, or at least help calm it down so that you're going to be in a better position to make better decisions about what your next step is, no matter what the chaos is that's happening.

Okay? The other thing that it's doing is that it is raising your vibration. And now this is a little bit wooey, I know, but it's actually getting you to exist like that. version of you that you want to be. And when you do that, you're going to start making decisions and start leaning into and start acting like and feeling like that version of you. The more you do that, the closer you get to becoming that version of you. That's how you do that. You don't achieve the goal and then become future you. You become future you and then you achieve the goal. That's what happens. That's the flow of it. So that was the crux of the conversation with my client. Fast forward to today. I have a call with my coach and we were talking about all the things that I wanted to talk about. And she finally just said to me after she let me just kind of like word vomit. 15 minutes as I am wanting to do. And she just looked at me and she was like, I think that you are just very tired. She's like, what if we just acknowledge that like you are physically tired, exhausted and you are emotionally spent given x y and z when she said that i sort of wanted to laugh because i was like, “Are you freaking kidding me like i'm paying you all this money to tell me that i'm tired? No shit!” and then I also kind of wanted to cry because I was like I am tired, I'm so so tired, I don't even want to be on this phone call all I want to do is just like put my head down and fall asleep right here on this desk right now. I am exhausted physically and mentally by a lot of things right now. And so I knew that, but also what I wasn't doing was connecting the dots to all of the things that I've been stressing out about and I've been freaking out about and the things that I feel like aren't working for me and the frustration that I feel and tying that back to my exhaustion.

For me, that's what my version of self -care is. That's what my version of finding something that feels or it feels like it's repairing for me, or it feels like it's building back or getting me back to neutral. For my client, it might have been the green juice. For me, it is sleep. I do not prioritize sleep the way that I should. I try to, I've gone in and out with it, but it's definitely not as consistent as it could be. And lately, even when I've tried to prioritize it, I've just not been getting enough of it for just a lot of reasons. So it was exactly the kind of thing that I was saying to my client, like these small little things that can reset your nervous system. And sleep is certainly not a small thing. What I mean by that is like, I don't have to pay off my bank loan and pay for my entire house. I don't have to like do anything major urgently right now other than just focus on how do i prioritize in terms of my nervous system and in terms of just how I'm functioning physiologically. And that's going to allow me to make some better decisions about other things going on in my life because I'm just in a better headspace. And the other thing it's going to do is it's going to let me exist as my future self who is well rested, who gets enough fucking sleep. even if it's not seven nights a week, even if it's like four nights a week that I'm getting good sleep, that's an improvement. That's allowing myself to move into that space where I am acting like the version of me that I want to be. And I'm feeling like the version of me that I want to be because the version of me that I want to be future me is fucking well rested. This version is not.

So I just wanted to share that for two reasons. And one is I think it's important to think about if there's anything going on with you right now that's stressful or triggering or if you're just kind of in a big state of what is going on. I don't feel like myself. I feel like crap or I don't know what's happening or everything's out of control. Just kind of thinking about what are those small things that you can lean into. And again, I hate the self -care term and I hate what it's become, but truly like thinking about what would make me feel however you want to feel right now, whether it's like restored or just back to neutral or calm, or energized, what would be the thing that would make me feel like that, even if none of my circumstances changed? And how can I do that right now? In this moment right now, how can I do that? Or what today can I do that will give me that, even if it's just for a short amount of time, that will allow me to have that feeling? That's really important.

And the other thing is, just as a reminder, it's very hard to read the label from inside the bottle. It can be really hard to see where your challenges are, and that's why coaches are helpful. So again, I'm like coaching a client last night and essentially he and I are having the same experience and the same challenge. I coach him last night on this and then turn around 16 hours later, I'm on a call with my coach and I'm having a very similar conversation with a very similar resolution, but I didn't see it. So, and maybe that's because I'm tired!

All right, that's what I got for you today. I hope that that is helpful and I hope that you guys are getting good sleep or getting green juice or getting whatever it is you need to feel a little bit better. All right, I will catch you on the next one.